Friday, September 09, 2005

Dope 1

Was having alcohol today, when I realised that it does'nt do sqaut to me anymore. Sort of made me thnk fondly of the Pot experience, when I realised that I had'nt documented it anywhere. Hell, one does'nt want such things to be forgotten. Ofcourse this would be nowhere near blogging under dope, but then things of value are always in short supply. So I've decided to screw clause 1 of my blogging rules and go through with this.
I'll write in present tense. Aww.. fuck it, I'll just write it as it happened.
So, we're sitting around smoking this joint, I ofcourse was smoking in my usual style, as a result, taking in way more than the rest. It hits me. It starts of like a normal alcohol cum cigarrete high, that you guys will probably never experience, well maybe not, I might do a stop start kind of thing, what the hell, we might get religious someday, in which case if you manage to get out of it, religion I mean, it might happen for you again, anyway, where the fuck was I. Yeah, it started of as an normal alcohol and fag high magnified a couple of times. Ofcourse, that was only the beginning.
Suddenly I'm being pulled backward from the neck and I'm like soaring through the air. The amazing bit was that it felt so, in all possible ways that I could think of. I could feel air rushing across me. Hair all over my body is standing out, angled in front. Heck I could also, hear air gushing. I notice that this shit actually fucks with your hearing. More on this later. Visual senses unfortunately? are'nt fooled and you know your just sitting in a room. Anyway, this goes on for say five minutes, after which the downslide begins. By the way, during this time, my neck, where I'm being pulled from feels great, feels like it's being massaged and poked by a gazillion needles. I could swear that at this point, I was aware of every nerve ending in my body. Anyway, as I was saying, thats when the downslide began. This 'high area', forgive me, could'nt find a better term, this started shifting to the head reagion. This was nice for a while, but then I started being pulled from the head, as a result of which for some strange reason, I think that I had started falling. Thats when I decide to leave my host's room and go to my own. I'm escorted to my room by S.A, I've decided by the way, not to use other people's names by the way while blogging my experiences, sort of respect for their privacy. Yeah right, as if. Anyway, SA, he starts escorting me to the wing bathroom, when we do a sort of role reversal as he goes and pukes. Even in my own pot induced squalor, I 'what the hell' and laugh at the irony of the whole thing and go squat in the toilet.
Thats when the really wierd shit started to happen. The toilet is rotating really fast and I'm getting sick and 'abouttopuky'. So I close my eyes and this makes me feel better, temporarily.
Then, I start hearing frogs, maybe crickets croaking. I remember thinking, is this really happening. Are frogs really croaking. Anyway, it does'nt bother me initially, but starts getting louder and worse I start falling again. I open my eyes. But then, the toilet starts rotating and I'm forced to shut my eyes again. I start falling again. This goes on for sometime after which I resign myself to falling. The period that followed was the scariest period of my life. While all this is happening, there's the conscious rational part of me thats trying to reason things out. This starts thinking about, deaths due to drug overdose, Jimmy Hendrix, Jimmy Morrison and for some reason Kurt Cobaine. I (that rational self thats in the corner and having a third persons look at the whole thing) start telling myself that all I did was smoke pot. This is nowhere near as
potent as LSD, ecstacy etc etc. I then start reminding myself that I'm this regular guy, with normal parents and a normal childhood etc etc. I try and keep reminding myself of what is really real. I realise that I'm doing that and then think about it. I start thinking about what makes this less really real. These feelings of fear and lonelyness that I was feeling, they were more genuine than any such experiences in the 'really real'. I think about whether this new reality has any rules. I reckon, that this reality, being a product of the mind, must have rules that I'm subconciously aware of. All such thoughts go on.
I start thinking about whether I'll really get out of it. Start thinking whether this will be that dream that one will never wake from. I start thinking of death. I pray. Then I think about God. I remember thinking that he might exist in this reality, for that prayer it was from way within. I wonder whether this was punishment for all my sins etc etc. Thoughts start moving faster after this. I remember thinking that my brain has never been this active. I also realise that I'm thinking too fast to remember what I had just thought. I decide that these thoughts are really insightful and that I should make a conscious effort to remember them. But then I can't. I even try repeating my thoughts aloud, but half way through it I have a new thought and I forget the old one. Anyway, in this process my fear takes a back seat and I manage to get out of the toilet. The frogs finally stop croaking. Anyway once I get out of the bathroom ,I get to my room and try and sleep. By then, RH and SN are there. Anyway, I try sleeping when I start falling again. I get shit scared again and my thoughts repeat themselves. I crawl out of my room and puke and lie in my own vomit for sometime. SA by this time is sober or atleast appears to be so and starts giving what appears to me as sage advice. The non sloshed guys however keep bullshitting him and get me a bucket to puke in. Thats when things got blurry. My onlookers have various stories of the things I did and said. I sadly, don't remember much of what followed. I just remeber noting that whenever I was in a bad place mentally, I puked. I remember noting this and earmarking it for further thought. Anyway at somepoint, I ran out of stuff to vomit and then started first vomiting water and then just air. I vaguely remember crawling back to the bed and swearing that I'll never smoke dope again.
For all the fear and the pain that it caused, it was the most unreal, most unputdowninwordsable and most out of body experience that I've ever had.
I'd be foolish to try it out again. But then again, I was fool enough to try it out in the first place.


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Blogger Kshitij Wagh said...

hi vatsan
lots of similarities betwn ur exp and the "session" after which i quit (of course even by then i was quite aware of my limits and had just enough to make me feel extremely high but not puke). i felt really horrible in tht session (some no control on my mind bullshit i think) and i decided to leave it and as a matter of fact i did leave it. but then 2 of my closest friends from my batch decided in 4th year (after some 2 months of regular beer in the wing) tht they will start doping. they literally dragged me into their room and i also had dope then. but then we all were talking and listening music and laughing - and it made me forget my bad experience. since then i ve been enjoying every second of all the sessions i had.
so my advice in nutshell - dont quit because it is really amazing what all you can think after doping, but do it with friends with whom you can laugh and have some fun talk etc (so you can put your mind off scary thoughts).
chalo tatax

6:20 AM  
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